electricity
i'ma love you differently
the first time taeyeon kisses seojin, it means nothingβ so little, in fact, that he doesn't remember it now. not because it lacks importance, because every moment they've ever had has been critical within the context of their story, but because it wasn't a kiss and because it came before all the confusion, all the denial, all of taeyeon's fighting against his feelings.
they're sixteen years old when it happens. it's december; they've known each other roughly five months, and taeyeon is nearly fifty miles from home without his parents knowing, playing in the living room of seojin's house. his mother is in the kitchen cooking dinner and taewoo is doing coursework and watching the two younger boys "fight", laughing at some of the insults they throw at one another but laughing even more at seojin's attempts to keep up with taeyeon's quick, razor-sharp barbs. they're both grinning and laughing, focused entirely on their game and not paying attention to their audience at all when seojin's hand finally comes up and playfully smacks taeyeon on the cheek, earning a surprised squeal as the older boy smacks away his friend's second attempt at connecting and tries to smack seojin in return, his hits blocked every time before his wrists are grabbed and his back hits the couch cushions.
"yah! no!"
the other boy is heavier than he is but the weight on top of him isn't unfamiliar; they've played like this what feels like a hundred times by now, and taeyeon kicks his leg up to knee seojin in the butt, laughing at the look of surprise that hits seojin's face but then screaming when the other starts grabbing at his sides, unable to control his laughter as he's attacked in the worst possible way and voicing his protests repeatedly.
"no! seojin, stop! yah! i hate you so much!" taeyeon laughs as he squirms beneath his friend, and seojin's grin just gets wider, leaning close to speak.
"that's what you get forβ"
and taeyeon kisses him, grinning. he doesn't plan it, and it's nothing more than a quick pop kiss to the lips meant to get himself free... which works, because seojin screams too, caught off-guard by the action and jumping back in surprise with a hand to his mouth as taewoo starts laughing even louder at the sneak attack. taeyeon is satisfied with himself yet makes no move to push the other off, and before seojin has the chance to do it himself, his mother appears around the corner to tell them to quiet down.
it doesn't mean anything; they're kids, they're playing.
secret love song
it'll never be enough
the second time taeyeon kisses seojin, it means so much that the importance of it doesn't immediately sink in, the edges blurred with lust and a need that he finally can't resist anymore, and he won't think about the magnitude until the following dayβ he'll panic and pick a fight, just like he always does, and seojin will leave, just like he always does, and that means taeyeon won't have to deal with it, just like he never does.
it's been two years since the first time he kissed his best friend even if he doesn't remember. they're just shy of nineteen now, living in their own apartment, and every day the lines of what they're meant to be blur just a little more. they're changing, and everyone they know can see itβ including them. taeyeon, especially, is resistant. he'd never liked a boy before this and even now, there's only seojin, and taeyeon doesn't know how to do this. he doesn't know how to shake the religious hounding of his upbringing, and he especially doesn't know how to cast aside the fear of what other people might thinkβ not of him, because he doesn't worry about himself, but the idea of others looking down on seojin bothers him in a way he doesn't know how to voice and he can't abide it. he's never felt like he needed to control his own actions in order to save someone else's reputation, and so he does the only thing he knows to do: he tries to distance himself. but that doesn't work either, because all he wants is to be close to seojin, and this internal conflict tears him down the middle, setting fire to them and everything around them. he doesn't say he loves seojin (even though he wants to scream it), but he does. it hides itself in jealousy that taeyeon has never felt to this extent before, and they blame each other for their inability to be although, deep down, taeyeon knows it's his fault. every argument hurts. taeyeon waits for seojin to leave (even though all he wants is to beg his "friend" to stay), and then he sits on the couch and cries by himself.
taeyeon has a "girlfriend". he doesn't say her name to seojin but the younger knows she exists because taeyeon doesn't bother to hide it and that's deliberate, because he wants the other to say something, the way taeyeon does when seojin seems interested in someone that isn't him (god, that makes him so fucking jealous he wants to peel his own skin off). she wonders why it's taking them so long to get to the point of having sex; he tells her he isn't ready yet every time she tries to take things further while they're making out, catching her wrist in his hand before it reaches the buttons of his jeans. she gets annoyed and says she's tired anyway, so maybe it'd be best if he went home. he doesn't want to have to explain that the reason he can't is because she isn't the one he wants.
this is how taeyeon ends up where he is now: in seojin's bedroom with the lights off, moonlight spilling in only as far as their feet as the younger boy sits with his back pressed to his headboard, taeyeon straddled across his lap. seojin's hands are on his hips (boy, does he love that), gripping tight and pulling him closer as he kisses along the side of the older boy's neck and the sensations make taeyeon shiver, sighing heavily as he tilts his head back for more. this kind of thing isn't unusual for them anymore. it had happened once and they avoided talking about it, skating around it for a few months before it happened again, and then once more, and now? now it's a terrible game they play, because this is where they always end up after dates with other peopleβ and they know it's fucked up because they've talked about it, but talking about it doesn't really count when you're dry humping each other at the same time. sometimes, like now, they keep their clothes on; other times it's nothing more than their underwear separating their skin, rolling their hips into each other in search of contact. taeyeon keeps the lights off, and he doesn't let seojin kiss him on the mouth.
but this time he wants more, his skin crawling in the most deliriously wonderful way with every touch as he pushes his hands beneath seojin's shirt, lifting until the other lets him take it off and his own follows. "what are you doing?" seojin asks him against his neck, not out of concern but more curiosity as taeyeon uses his weight to press them harder together, rolling his hips deliberately until his head falls against seojin's shoulder. "moreβ" is the answer that comes, "more than usual. wanna touch you." as he says this, his hands go back to the fastenings of seojin's jeans, kissing up the younger man's neck and then along his jawline as he hastily works on buttons and zippers. for a split second, he pauses when he comes to seojin's mouth, looking first at his lips and then glancing up to shadow-shrouded eyes (he is so fucking lost) before he kisses him, hard and full. there's nothing but contact everywhere then, his tongue pressed into places he never thought it would go, one hand beneath the waistband of seojin's underwear as he runs fingers along his cock, the others wrapped in the hair at the nape of his friend's neck to pull him further into their kissing. when it breaks it's only to breathe, a brief pause before they connect again.
he won't read into it tonight, but then again, he doesn't have to.
never over you
sometimes we get too close, sometimes we can't let go
the third time they kiss comes a week after the second, and this time it isn't taeyeon that initiates. the moment is burned into the back of his mind, something he thinks about sometimes when seojin is away for work and he's by himself at home, or when the other is asleep beside him and he can't fall asleep himself, taking inventory of all the things that make up what they are now and how thankful he is for every single piece. this kiss, he thinks, is probably their second most important one, because if it hadn't happened then the outcome for them could have been very different than what it is now, and that's an alternative that taeyeon doesn't like to even imagine.
they'd argued two days prior. this argument had felt different, like it meant more than it did before, and this time they'd yelled at each otherβ taeyeon had been so worked up and angry that he'd been crying, and before it ended he'd said something he never thought would come out of his mouth: "i want to go home," he'd told the younger man. "i should have never fucking left, if i'd just stayed there then none of this would have ever happened." because i would've never met you was the unfinished end that hung thick in the air, and taeyeon regretted saying what he did as soon as it left his lips, because seojin looked as though he'd just been punched. in his heart he'd wanted to apologize immediately, but his head gets in the way sometimes, stubborn and difficult as he folded his arms and looked away.
he's standing in the kitchen with the refrigerator open drinking directly from a large bottle of coca-cola when he hears his friend's key jiggle in the lock two days later, keeping his back turned and pretending not to notice the other coming in while listening for seojin's pause as he notices three boxes of taeyeon's things packed and sat by the door. he doesn't move until he hears the other start up again, twisting the cap back on the bottle and putting it back in the fridge on his way back to his own room. the apartment is tiny, so the distance from the door to the kitchen is negligible; it only takes a moment for seojin to reach him, and taeyeon freezes when he feels arms wrap around his waist from behind, the silence deafening and his expression unreadable. seojin's nose is pressed into the nape of his neck, holding him loosely enough that he could free himself if he wanted to (he doesn't), and he feels the younger boy's lips press to his skin soon after.
"don't go," taeyeon hears him say, quiet even though they're the only two present. "you hate it there, you only have a couple months of school left. we can be okay, it doesn't have to be like anything. just don't go."
there are more words after, but taeyeon doesn't hear them, focused instead on the roar of blood rushing in his ears and the stinging in his eyes and silent, inner threats against himself to not dare fucking cry because of this. he can't be this weak, cannot cannot cannot, but he feels like he's breaking into a million little pieces that he's not ever going to be able to reassemble properly again. he wants to be angry at seojin for leaving, because he always leaves when they argueβ he can't ever just stay and see it through to the end and that isn't something taeyeon can get used to, his only valid seojin-centric reason for his resistance toward letting them be together. and he is angry, a little, but more than anger there's a deep, devastating ache in his chest that never seems to fully subside anymore, even when things are so good with them, and right now it's at its peak.
"idiot," he answers, his voice much softer than usual as he chooses his words carefully so as to give away just enough, but not too much. "like i didn't put those things there for show so you'd feel sorry when you came home. do you know me at all?" taeyeon teases him because he doesn't know how to navigate this, doesn't know what they are or what they're doing right now or ever, but he knows he can't go because he knows he can't be without this other person in whatever capacities make themselves known to them. this is his best friend; this has been his best friend since the moment they met, codependent roots wound deep in their souls like trees that have been untouched for a thousand years. none of it is easy, every bit of it is so hard, but what would they do alone?
he doesn't break free of the hold on his waist as he turns in seojin's arms to look at the other man's face, smiling just a little, as if to say everything was okay and he knew neither of them meant the things they'd said before. there are a million things he feels like he should say here: reassurances, confessions, promises; don't leave me and i won't leave you, but for now they're better left unsaid, hidden away in quiet actions that no one (everyone) else notices. seojin's hand comes up to cup the side of taeyeon's face and he closes his eyes at the touch, though they open again for a brief moment when he feels the younger man's lips press to his. it's a stark contrast from their lust-filled makeout session a week prior, this time soft and sweet and reassuring, and rather than fight it the way he's prone to, taeyeon returns it equally.
love you true
it's you i choose forever, love you true, i will
their most important kiss is obvious. it's ten years and a million other kisses after the third, a million miles away from seoul, standing on a private stretch of beach in malibu, california. the arguments that plagued them in the beginning are a million miles away now, too, long-dead with taeyeon's acceptance of his own issues and their agreement to work on the harder parts together instead of working against each other. now, even those conversations were years ago. taeyeon doesn't remember the last time they fought about anything. what he does remember is waking up that morning to seojin's lips on the space behind his ear, lightly ghosting along his skin the same way his fingers moved along the soft curve of the older man's side, his hand coming up to hide his face away as he giggled at the tickling sensations. this was them now. and for today, they don't have to dread the return home and the thought of being pulled apart for the next nearly two years, their enlistment date looming in the almost immediate future; for today they're here, together, and they have time.
their ceremony is quiet save for the sound of water breaking along the sand and three voices, and taeyeon thinks he wouldn't want it to have been any other way. despite his typical desire for everything to be as big and elaborate as possible, this feels fitting to his and seojin's relationship: intimate and private, not a display for others. he likes being here with seojin, but he's liked everywhere he's ever been with seojin, and today they begin the most wonderful journey of them all. this time, all his reassurances and promises are voiced instead of buried awayβ he still fusses about being made to cry, but his tone is far from angry and his tears earn him squeezes to his hands that he appreciates more right now than he ever has before.
when they kiss each other this time, it's as familiar as it's ever been, warm and comfortable and everything taeyeon has ever wanted in life, his world condensed down a thousand times into one single moment; it's exactly the way he feels when he catches himself looking at seojin for a little too long when he's doing nothing in particular or when he watches the other get ready for work in the morning. it's the same as it always is, and yet they both grin against each other's lips and start to laugh at the same time, breaking for only a moment before taeyeon brings his left hand up to his now-husband's face and pulls him back in to kiss him again.